Saturday, October 25, 2008

I Can Haz Don McLean?


(to the tune of The Day the Music Died)

It wuz a long, long time ago
When moosic still maded Happy Cat smile
I knowed if I had a chanse
I cud makeded teh hoomans dance
And dey wud be like Happy Cat fer a while.

But teh cold months, tehy maded meh hungry
Wif every election ad hoomans brung meh
Wuz depressing to see dat crap
Not even a mousie in teh trap

Iz not sure whut I ated
But all dat coverage I sure hated
Wif passion burning deep inside
Teh day, teh cheezburger died.

Oh hai. Miss Cheezburger Pie
Kitteh hates Ur TV and
Teh doggie must die.
But teh press is still writing blogs
And until November 5
I no can haz cheezburger pie.

Kitteh no can haz cheezburger pie.

Kitteh red teh Book of Love
And haz faith in Ceiling Cat above
Teh intrawebs tells him so
You believes in all Ur told
Teh president can saves ur soul
And teach to us how to put on showz

All media in luff wif dem
All day talks about her and hims
Dere campgain busses on teh news
All dis talk gifs kitteh teh blues

Nobody has feeded meh
Dey only wants to watch TV.
Iz hiding under UR setee
Until Novemeber 5.

Oh hai. Miss Cheezburger Pie
Kitteh hates Ur TV and
Teh doggie must die.
But teh press is still writing blogs
And until November 5
I no can haz cheezburger pie.

Kitteh no can haz cheezburger pie.

Thin-Q! Hope you enjoyed the LOLZ. FYI: my writerly stuff all goes to A Really Nice Murder now.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I Can Haz Edgar Allen Poe?

Once upon afternoon, Iz thinkded time to move self soon
An getz off teh couch to look outz door
Butz then I starts to kitteh napping,
if teh dawg wud quit hiz wagging
Every time hiz tail hits teh floor.
I iz annoyed an nuffin more.

mebbe November (iz just cant member) mebbe wuz December.
Or mebbe just dat it waz winter cuz sno outside mah door
I wisheded dat it was Caturday an all gud kittehs cud haz play
Or mebbe mouse or somefin to eat
I needed sum gud kitteh treats
I wished I can haz cheeezburger

I hearded sounds like paper toyz
Dis mebbe prey dat I can scare wif ROAR!
Or other kittehs here to play. Oh joyz!
But sumfing gud waz making noise.
Quick before dere is no moar…
I can has opened door?

Mah hooman can be way too slow.
He only haz two legs u knowz.
So I nipz his ankles an bitez his toez, Den
Faster to teh door he goez but stoopid dawg
He iz in tow and follows hooman to teh door.
Teh dawg must die and nuffin more.

I hatez teh cur so much it makeded all mah fur
Stand on end espushully when teh hooman giveded him frankfurter
Before he finally goez to teh door and opens to see teh stare
Of Basement Cat who standing dere scared dawg under furniture.
Quoth teh kitteh, "Cheezburger."

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I Can Haz Hamlet?

Oh hai. 2B or not? Iz gud question.
Iz better to put up wif dawg or getz ruhvenge
But endz up wif Basement Cat? Oh noes! Iz dead!
Or maybe iz sleeping and jus duzzent care
If kitteh hungry. Dat not so bad akshully.
Ded or sleeping, perchance dream of mice.
Rub mah belleh. Deres the rub.
I shuffles off teh couch but wunders
If Ceiling Cat or Basement Cat real and waiting.
Iz cat carrier ride to sky and no kitteh returns
To say if vet dere or gud or bad.
Iz thunkeded too much an hurts mah hed.
Iz hungry.
To haz cheezburger or no haz cheezburger?
Dat is better question.


Friday, March 28, 2008

I Can Haz Teh Eagles?

Hotel Kitteh For Ya (sung to tune of Hotel California)

Iz on a desert highway, wif wind on my tail
I smell teh roadside attrakshuns, dey smell like ginger ale
An den ahead I see a shimuring lite
I can haz mah sleepz now?
I haz to stop fer teh nite.

Dere's a hooman in teh doorway
I hearded teh dinnur bell.
An I thinkeded to meself:
Will dez feed me well?

I followz her to dinnur table
An thinkeded I hear sumone say:

Well, iznt dat teh Hotel Kitteh for ya?
Such a lovely space (oh hai. Lovely place)
Hooman haz lovely face.
Dere no cheezburgerz in the Hotel Kitteh for ya.
Some udder time of year,
U could find 'em here.

But mah dinner I misseded, I haz got hunger bendz.
U haz some tasty guests here. Are doez bunnehz Ur frends?
Bunnehz dance in teh courtyard, an I still hazn'et eatin yet
Some bunneh dance to remember, Some bunneh dance to forget

Iz callded to teh waiter
Bring meh ur best wind
He claimz dey haz no spirits since 1969
But still I asks fer cheezzburger. I no eatin all dis day.
My belleh iz all emptee
But I heared teh voices say…

Well, iznt dat teh Hotel Kitteh for ya?
Such a lovely space (oh hai. Lovely place)
Hooman haz lovely face.
Dere no cheezburgerz in the Hotel Kitteh for ya.
Ur bunnehs iz gone? Say dats a surprize.
Good thing I broughted mah alibis.

Why dere mirrors on teh ceiling?
Oh hai. Dey lookz reel nice.
Teh hooman says teh cheezburgers
Was taken by some mice.

But hooman takes me to the kitchen
We haz gathered for the feast
I see teh mouse all running around.
Why nobody kill the beast?

I thinkeded I had enuff so
I runned fer teh door.
I tried to find mah way out
To where I wuz before.

Iz okay, the hooman tellz me
Dere lotz of gud things to reads.
You can cook any time U wantz
But the cheezburgerz U cant eat.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Like a Bad Penny

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! Sort of. Where have I been? What have I been doing? I know you're intensely curious. Hah! Anyway, I've been super busy and I hope to have some exciting news soon. Maybe. On the not so exciting front, I've been sick. I haven't had the flu--not just a virus, but true influenza--in years. Well, at the start of this month, my number came up in the Sickness Lottery and when you add the Powerball prize of asthma I've been miserable. The flue turned into a respitory infection and then x-rays to make sure I hadn't developed pneumonia. Blech.

But I'm much better now and just trying to dig out from under everything that piled up while I was snuggled between the covers trying to breath.

But this week, there will be Friday Kittehs.

Oh yes there will.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Why I Write for Kids

Okay, so the kittehs are all good fun, but it's time I posted about writing again. I enjoy writing for the adult audience, it's freeing to cuss with abandon and let my characters explore their sexuality. But my heart belongs to kids.


I could pretend that it's because I'm a soccer mom. I spend so much time with children, that it's only natural that I write for them. Between soccer, cub scouts and Sunday school, I spend the majority of my time around those under the age of 18 and I like it that way.


I like kids. I care about the things kids care about. Kids have an innate sense of justice. They like to know that they will be okay. They like to feel that no matter how grim things seem, there is hope. The good guys will win. Order will be restored. The guilty will be punished. I'm down for that.


Kids are honest. By the time we reach our upper teens, we become masters at putting on different faces depending on what the world expects us to be. We choose our own labels and slap them on. But kids will tell it like it is.


Kids are uninhibited. Roll in the mud? Where cowboy boots with shorts? Pretend you're a dog and bark all your words for a day? Why not? I'm down for that too. Which I guess brings me to the real reason I write for kids.


Cause I never grew up myself. I'm always up for a good game of pretend. I love silliness and frivolity and candy. I have trouble behaving like a grown up when I'm surrounded by pompous folks who take themselves waaaaaaaaaay too seriously. Honestly, when I'm watching a political debate, I can't stop thinking it would be hilarious if someone made farty noises right in the middle of a speech. I'd love that.

I read children's literature because I like it. I write it, because I read it.

I hope I never grow up. I've managed it thus far.

Friday, February 15, 2008

I Can Haz Limericks?

Dere once wuz a kitteh from Reading
Who had a very strange feeling
Dat whenever he peed
He wuz being seed
By a kitteh up hi in the ceiling.

Dere once wuz a cat from Frankfurter
Who wished dat he can haz cheezburger
But wuz stuck in teh john
Wif nothing to nom
So instead he killeded UR paper

Dere once wuz a devlish sqirl
Who plotteded to take over world
But he not gets so far.
He wuz squished by a car.
B4 hiz grate plan wuz unfurled.

Dere once wuz a kitteh who wrote
Teh lolrus a ransom note
"I not haz UR bukket
But I noes who tukket
An I tells U fer a cheezburgr an Coke"

Dose were fun to write. Now write UR own limerick and post in teh comments. Dis a a play along week. If U not like to Rhyme, U can writes a haiku.

Teh lolrus mourns it.
Hiz bukket iz losted or
Mebbe waz stolen.

Now iz UR turn 4 kittehs.